My husband and I started officially trying in Dec 2022. I was convinced that since I had waited until the time was right that the timing would be divine and this would be easy for me. What a humbling experience. Feb 2023, our pregnancy loss journey truly began. I had a mid-cycle bleed. I was working on set out of the country. I bled so much I didn’t know what was happening to me. I had to drive over the border to find a planned parenthood. The doctor said the pregnancy test was negative and called it a “mystery” but I knew the tissue that was coming out was not my normal period. Sept 2024, we officially took a test. I cried and laughed with joy. Positive, I took three tests just to confirm. My birthday was in a few weeks and altho it was early to tell our folx, we made a plan to surprise them. I opened gifts over FaceTime and instead of opening whatever gift they sent me, I opened a baby onesie that said “Coming Soon” and our parents squealed with delight and tears. Then, two weeks later, on Halloween, we had our first ultrasound. I’ll never forget the moment the technician’s face dropped from smiley to neutral, or my husband who saw the screen & looked at me confused and scared or the very young nurse who moved us to a back room before telling us there was no heartbeat. The baby made it 7 weeks and 3 days. Which means I had carried the baby 4 days longer thinking it was still alive before learning this news. It was the size of a blueberry. So we called it Blueberry. I had to go back to work internationally in two weeks so after hoping it

This isn’t a miscarriage story. But there’s nowhere to tell stories of TFMR (Termination for Medical Reasons), so I’m here. 12 weeks pregnant and I find out my baby has a rare genetic condition, life expectancy if born at all would be weeks. I had to make the impossible choice to terminate the pregnancy. However, in between the diagnosis and the time they could get me in for the procedure, I had a work trip to Paris. I had to spend the whole week pretending to be completely fine, while also hiding my belly, while also drinking (cue internal struggles about that one), while also knowing the following week I would be carrying through with the hardest choice I’ve ever made. Oh, and that week happened to be the week my father in law was in town, so I had to take off work sick, while my FIL is at our house, take the two days procedure off as leave, and recover. All while pretending to be ok. Did I mention, my FIL bought my living daughter a pink flamingo with a zipper full of pink flamingo babies? He bought it before he knew about the TFMR. He still thought it was appropriate to give as a gift.

Almost 2 years after having my son at 31 weeks, I had my first miscarriage. I was devastated. 8 months later, I had another. 4 months after that, another one. 3 in a year! Each time, my body wouldn’t naturally let the pregnancy go so a D&C happened 3 times. I felt so alone. I felt so broken. I didn’t and still don’t understand why. Maybe because I’m in my 40’s as doctors would say. I’m getting too old. I couldn’t and wouldn’t accept it. But I felt like I just had to. I had no choice. My body wasn’t allowing my babies to survive in me. I told myself after I had my second miscarriage that if it happened again, I’d just tie my tubes. Well, the 3rd time came and I couldn’t do it but I also knew I didn’t think I could go through another loss so I just got an IUD. I feel like I have to force myself to not want another baby but it’s so hard when so many people tell me that I’m crazy for wanting another one, saying it’s a sign I wasn’t meant to have another one. But why do I still want one? Grief is hard. I never met my babies but I love them. I long for them. I wonder what they would’ve looked like. Mother’s Day just passed and I didn’t want to do anything. I was numb. I was grieving alone but had to put on a smiley face and fake it. When people would say, “well, at least you have kids already,” or “you’re too old. You don’t need another one,” it was probably because they were trying to make me feel better but it did the opposite. It made me feel inadequate, less than, something

While Adam Sandler is connected to my miscarriage, it wasn’t a funny moment in my life. I was asked to do a reading for a few members of Adam Sandler’s production company. A friend of a friend wrote a screenplay and was able to plan a reading for some important peeps in the biz and the casting director for the reading asked me to participate and I was stoked. I was newly pregnant so not a lot of people knew. I had been bleeding all week and I didn’t have a great feeling about it. I finally went to urgent care earlier on the day of the reading and they did an ultra sound and sent me to the hospital for another ultra sound and everything looked good. I just knew something was still wrong but no one else seemed alarmed. My friend Amanda picked me up for the reading and I had been bleeding pretty significantly all day. She knew what was going on and was super supportive and sweet. I got to the conference room where we were going to do the reading and thank god we were early bc I excused myself and popped into the bathroom to pee and check on things and sure enough, I finished my miscarriage in the bathroom with people right outside the door waiting to use the bathroom. I cleaned up, walked out like nothing happened, did the 2 hour reading and stayed for notes. Wow. The script was hilarious but who cares. I was dying inside. I told my friend what had happened on the way home and went to the dr the next day to get another ultrasound to confirm that I was no longer pregnant. In the end, I had the baby I was meant to have but