Almost 2 years after having my son at 31 weeks, I had my first miscarriage. I was devastated. 8 months later, I had another. 4 months after that, another one. 3 in a year! Each time, my body wouldn’t naturally let the pregnancy go so a D&C happened 3 times. I felt so alone. I felt so broken. I didn’t and still don’t understand why. Maybe because I’m in my 40’s as doctors would say. I’m getting too old. I couldn’t and wouldn’t accept it. But I felt like I just had to. I had no choice. My body wasn’t allowing my babies to survive in me. I told myself after I had my second miscarriage that if it happened again, I’d just tie my tubes. Well, the 3rd time came and I couldn’t do it but I also knew I didn’t think I could go through another loss so I just got an IUD. I feel like I have to force myself to not want another baby but it’s so hard when so many people tell me that I’m crazy for wanting another one, saying it’s a sign I wasn’t meant to have another one. But why do I still want one? Grief is hard. I never met my babies but I love them. I long for them. I wonder what they would’ve looked like. Mother’s Day just passed and I didn’t want to do anything. I was numb. I was grieving alone but had to put on a smiley face and fake it. When people would say, “well, at least you have kids already,” or “you’re too old. You don’t need another one,” it was probably because they were trying to make me feel better but it did the opposite. It made me feel inadequate, less than, something was wrong with my body, unworthy, cursed, etc. The list could go on but maybe one day, I will find light/peace in this.