My husband and I started officially trying in Dec 2022. I was convinced that since I had waited until the time was right that the timing would be divine and this would be easy for me. What a humbling experience. Feb 2023, our pregnancy loss journey truly began. I had a mid-cycle bleed. I was working on set out of the country. I bled so much I didn’t know what was happening to me. I had to drive over the border to find a planned parenthood. The doctor said the pregnancy test was negative and called it a “mystery” but I knew the tissue that was coming out was not my normal period.
Sept 2024, we officially took a test. I cried and laughed with joy. Positive, I took three tests just to confirm. My birthday was in a few weeks and altho it was early to tell our folx, we made a plan to surprise them. I opened gifts over FaceTime and instead of opening whatever gift they sent me, I opened a baby onesie that said “Coming Soon” and our parents squealed with delight and tears. Then, two weeks later, on Halloween, we had our first ultrasound. I’ll never forget the moment the technician’s face dropped from smiley to neutral, or my husband who saw the screen & looked at me confused and scared or the very young nurse who moved us to a back room before telling us there was no heartbeat. The baby made it 7 weeks and 3 days. Which means I had carried the baby 4 days longer thinking it was still alive before learning this news. It was the size of a blueberry. So we called it Blueberry. I had to go back to work internationally in two weeks so after hoping it would pass on its own, I asked my acupuncturist to help me pass it naturally and quickly before going back to work. That afternoon I had lunch with a friend and felt blood begin to gush. I ran to the bathroom and there, staring back at me in my period underwear, was the little embryo and tale of my blueberry just like it looked on the “what to expect” videos I had seen. I held it in my hands as people came in and out of the bathroom laughing and flushing. I wanted to take it home but I had no pockets, I wanted to take a picture but I had no phone. So I told it I loved it and gave it back to the water. I went back to my friend and told her what happened and I felt another surge of blood. This time, I held my placenta in my hands while the umbilical cord slipped into the toilet. The placenta was the size of my palm. It looked like a starfish with its suctions tips. It was beautiful. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I gave it back to the water and came home to tell my husband I’d had our baby in a diner. The last surge came and it was a broken open white sac. I now know it’s called a Yolk Sac. I showed it to my husband so I felt not so crazy. I even drew the embryo and placenta with paper and pen so I would never forget what they looked like. I cried for a year. Sometimes I still hold that baby onesie and rock myself to sleep.
March 2025 I was on set again. I had taken a test a few days earlier and it read the faintest line of positive. I wasn’t sure if I was pregnant or not. Then, in the middle of my scene work for my tv show, I felt the same gush of blood from the past. It came in waves. The ironic part was I was shooting this scene in a diner. So, there I was, again, having a diner baby loss, again. All I could do was sit and continue my scene work as if nothing was happening, as if I wasn’t bleeding continuously for hours. Luckily, I had felt some cramps coming on that day and had assumed the worst and chose to wear my period underwear. To this day, I can never watch that episode without knowing exactly what was happening to me.
Then, in March 2026, I took a few tests and found the faintest line of positive on each. Not again, I thought. Please not again. This time I truly thought it was our time, though, it had to be. When I told my husband, the color drained from his face. “I don’t want to see you suffer again” he said quietly, tears in his eyes. In that moment, I realized I had no idea what it had been like for him to watch me and my body suffer this pain all this time and not be able to do anything but hold me. Five days later, I was reading tarot cards with a friend. She told me she saw a vision of me holding my stomach in pain and a broken embryo. She said she didn’t know what it meant. She didn’t know I was pregnant…but I knew exactly what it meant. Not thirty minutes later, the cramping began. I told her I needed to go home and I barely made it through the door before the rush and gush of blood. I fell into my husband’s arms. After that, I told him it was time for us to maybe start letting this dream go. Maybe we should just get another dog. Maybe being parents wasn’t meant for us. I wasn’t interested in IVF or any alternate routes. It was natural or not at all.
One month later, we got a strong positive test result. I didn’t believe it. It took two blood tests showing high numbers for me to even consider it truthful. At our first ultrasound, I finally heard a heartbeat. We held each other and wept and still, we held our breath. I got an ultrasound every week during our first trimester and every week the heartbeat was strong, the growth rate on track.
I am now 18 weeks pregnant as I tell you my story. This is the farthest we have ever gotten. I can say that I finally took a deep breath and started to believe when we turned a corner into the 2nd trimester. I can say that even now as I type these words, I can feel my belly starting to grow, I can feel a tightness in my belly and soft, gentle lightning bolts of life inside and there is hope in my heart. And I can say I’m still absolutely terrified… but I guess that’s being a parent. You are a mother even if you have only endured loss and have never met an earth side baby. You are a mother and I salute you. Here’s hoping for us all.